Letter to my younger self.

For my birthday or anniversary or some other kind of holiday that involves gifts for me, Bobby bought me this book. Although I've had it for some time, I haven't read it all the way through. BUT you don't really have to, anyway. It's the kind of book that doesn't have to be read from cover to cover; you can just open it to any given page and read a short letter from someone to their younger self. I thought about this book today when I was on the treadmill. My mind began to wander, and I wished I could go back in time, take my hands, and say-----it's going to be okay. 

Dear Krista,

Wow. I'm taking a deep breath before I actually start to type this out. My back hurts right now and sitting here in front of this computer isn't exactly what I SHOULD be doing. There's laundry to be done, errands to run, lists to be checked off, Pride and Prejudice to watch! Don't panic, though. It's not as bad as it sounds. Yes, you still loathe housework, but now it actually makes you feel good when it's done. There's a strange sense of pride knowing you can have spontaneous company come to visit and you don't have to make them wait a 1/2 hour before letting them in. Yes, that is a strange sense of pride now that I really think about it.

But this letter isn't about me. Well, not me now. It's about me---you---then. 

18. 

Scared. 

Unsure. 

Panicked.

It's 1999. Sebastian was born in the fall; your favorite season. I think that's so cool. You don't like to talk about it, because it makes you sad, but his father wasn't there when he was born. Someday he will apologize, and someday you will forgive him. Mom and dad were there, thankfully, and they fed you ice chips and encouragement through the contractions. 

I know it feels like the best day of your life, but I also know that you're terrified. You feel too young to be there, taking care of a baby. You're so unsure of yourself, and let me tell you, for years you will beat yourself up over whether or not you're doing a good job as a mom. Let me say this now in case you may actually listen----you have always done your best. There will be people who can make you feel otherwise, but tune out the negativity. Please give yourself credit. This will help you in ways you can't possibly understand right now, but trust me, it's HUGE.

I know how much you hurt right now....how you can't understand why you two were abandoned. So let me get this out of the way before I continue:

You're going to be okay. And so is the little guy you just gave birth to.

Maybe he's nursing, or maybe he's sleeping in the hospital bassinet, but he's there now. Those 8 months of pregnancy flew by, didn't they? I know it was a less than idyllic situation with his father, but that is out of your hands now. The best thing you can do now is love yourself.

Things seem unfair, and I suppose they are.  Try not to take it personally. Even if you tried 100 times harder, you would never have known how to make the situation with his father work. It was never about your inadequacy, only his.  Besides, you were both scared kids just trying to figure out what to do with life, whether to run from it or embrace it.

You're going to be okay.  You will meet someone amazing in a few years and he will be the best person you've ever known. He will teach you about love and honesty and when you make mistakes he will be there to gently guide you, not shame you. He will help you raise Sebastian and a couple other little ones! and you will realize that life is never perfect, but it is always beautiful.

So, take life one day at a time and try to appreciate every moment with Sebastian. He's so little then---but soon he will be grown. Play with him. The laundry can wait.

With all my love, hugs, and kisses for you always,

Krista