For real.

Forgive the following rant.

It's Tuesday, I just got back from two shopping trips to the grocery store. I didn't forget something the first time around, Fry's just doesn't carry the amazing "Three Cheese" pasta sauce and "Fruit Floes" that Trader Joe's does. So although ET wanted to go home, and Miss C was exhausted, I decided taking that extra trip was worth it.

To be honest, I think I just wanted an excuse to get out of the house.

The past three weeks, the OCD monster has moved right back in. To be blunt, it sucks. So, sometimes removing myself from my typical surroundings allows me to focus on the activity I'm going to, or in this case, the pasta sauce I absolutely thought I needed, instead of the usual ruminations. Well, it didn't work. I wasn't surprised, though...it never does.

So this time, I just cried. ET was in the backseat and I wanted to be sure he didn't see my watered eyes or hear my sniffles. I turned up the new CD IH brought home, and hoped the French woman singing would drown out any possible sounds of sadness. It was a successful move. I pulled down the visor and looked at myself in the mirror. It's weird seeing yourself crying--almost like it's not you, but rather some version of yourself from another time, or maybe even a dream. I remember seeing my mother cry when I was younger, and the feeling is kind of the same--a blend of uncomfortableness, sadness, and helplessness. Then the typical questions came flooding in, as if I didn't know the answers, "What is wrong with me? Why can't this just go away?"

As I looked at this person in the mirror, this woman I have become, the realization that this has been eating away at my life for over three years engulfed me. I am not the same person I was before, and although that's good for some reasons I won't bother to mention here, it also makes me very, very, sad.

IH wrote me a text today--and it said this: "Take a break from the shame. Redirect your anger and sadness to something good. Don't run. Relax. Find peace in this beautiful world." (Thank you, IH--I love you)

I know the world is so beautiful. I also know it can be difficult. I'm not self-centered enough to think my problems are the worst kind. But when OCD comes, it FEELS like it is. It is all-consuming, as those with OCD know, and it can be the scariest feeling of one's life. What helps so much is when I think of my short time here on Earth and the short time I get to enjoy my children and husband--that motivation to experience life with them can be the best therapy of all.

So yeah, it sucks to cry--especially trying to stifle it with two kids in the backseat. But it also reminds me of how human I am--how every nook and cranny of me is filled with human-ness, and how sadness is just another element of this life we're given.

So I cried today. Maybe tomorrow I will laugh.