(posted late again, apologies)
The last time I saw him he had been in Hospice for 2 days. He was sleeping, heavily medicated to control the pain. I held his hand and he didn't let go. I like to think he knew it was me.
Just a few days before, when he was still in the hospital, we were able to talk.
I leaned into him and before I could announce myself he said, Whoever this is, you smell great!
It's Krista.
I wanted him to say, Oh hello, Kris! like he always did. But he just looked into my eyes.
We were inches apart. I kissed his cheeks and hugged him as much as I could through all the wires and the bedside rail. He just looked at me. Stared into my eyes. It's a moment I will never forget. His eyes were so green - the one part of him that didn't seem to age, and I felt like they were talking to me. There was love in them, but also sadness.
I'm so glad you're awake!
We love you so much.
We're so glad to see you!
I tried my best to sound optimistic and nonchalant. I wasn't very successful.
He saw my tears and began to cry. Little pools welled up in the corners of his eyes. I dabbed them dry with tissue and kissed him again. I realized I had never kissed him so much before.
Seb and Bobby talked with him while I stood behind the curtain and began to cry as silently as possible.
That night was the last time I talked to him. The last time I was able to see his beautiful eyes or hear his voice. I knew he was going into Hospice the next day, and I was thankful he was awake for us. It was the last gift he gave to me.
So now he is gone.
I haven't fully realized what this means yet.
I know I'm in one of those "stages" - but which is the one where all you want is to see them again and laugh with them - ask them to tell you the story of when they met up with their sister by coincidence in the Navy? Which is the one where lumps form in your throat at the thought of wood and bolts because he worked with these objects for years making beautiful artwork?
Whatever it's called, I'm there.
And it's an incredibly sad day.
6 comments:
I'm sorry, so so sorry for your loss. :( I'm not sure what your relation is to the person who has passed away, but I wanted to say that I feel your pain, and I'm sorry.
Oh honey I'm so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family. At least God gave you the chance to see him (really look him in the eyes) one last time. Maybe that was God giving you closure.
I am so, so sorry sweetie. I wish I could give you a huge hug. Know that we're here for you and I am saying prayers for you & your family.
{{hugs}}
Oh my friend, I wish I could be there to hug you.
Wow...you are such an amazing writer, Krista! I just cried at your post and I never even had the pleasure of meeting your stepdad. I could feel the love you have for him in your words. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Kisses!
I'm sorry for your loss Krista, but also happy that you got to say goodbye.
I lost my stepdad at 14, and being able to say goodbye is something that still warms my heart
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