I set the alarm for 6 and hit snooze 3 times. My futile attempt at prolonging sleep didn't help.At all. I hadn't been up before 7 in I don't know how long, so getting out of bed was ridiculous this morning. I guess going to bed at 2 just a few hours earlier didn't helped much.
But I woke up, got ready, woke Bobby, helped the kids get ready, and then left for the mortuary. Because today my stepdad was buried.
Even as I type that out, in my head I'm like, but that wasn't him. Because seeing him in his casket, thinner than I had ever seen him before, wearing the clothes we took over just two days prior, with makeup on his face to keep him from looking like a stranger, made it so obvious to me. He wasn't there anymore. What remained of his body - his vessel - was lying there, but he was not.
He was gone and what remained were the people that loved him, hurting. I hurt for my mom, I hurt for Sebastian who was the closest to him and loved him so much. I hurt for everyone there that really knew him......loved him.
I hurt for myself.
But I woke up, got ready, woke Bobby, helped the kids get ready, and then left for the mortuary. Because today my stepdad was buried.
Even as I type that out, in my head I'm like, but that wasn't him. Because seeing him in his casket, thinner than I had ever seen him before, wearing the clothes we took over just two days prior, with makeup on his face to keep him from looking like a stranger, made it so obvious to me. He wasn't there anymore. What remained of his body - his vessel - was lying there, but he was not.
He was gone and what remained were the people that loved him, hurting. I hurt for my mom, I hurt for Sebastian who was the closest to him and loved him so much. I hurt for everyone there that really knew him......loved him.
I hurt for myself.
My sister Anna put her arm around me and asked how I was doing. Not well. You know, it's never easy to predict when you're going to cry. It's always been uncomfortable for me to cry in front of people, but it was heartbreaking to see him like that....hands folded, holding a rosary. Her question just pulled it all out of me and couldn't stop myself. I wondered what he would've thought about all of it - seeing everyone there, the memorial, the casket, the tears.
I sat back down in the pew, distracted by a wandering Clemmie who was oblivious to everything going on, and wished for a nanny to take her outside to play. I watched as people I had never met walked up to his casket to pay their last respects.
Lucky them.
They knew him, too.
Finally, the casket was closed and I wept.
The finality of it all was overwhelming and sad.
I tried to banish the miserable thoughts I had of his casket all alone in the ground. I hated having them in my mind. They depressed me to no end.
But I know that's how it goes.
And I take comfort knowing that it's not really him in the ground.
He's elsewhere now, wherever that may be. Perhaps he's drilling into some 2x4's or maybe he's talking with his brother Bob again.
Maybe he's simply at rest.
I just hope he wherever he is, he knows how much he's missed.
"The Rock" on the left with his Navy buddies.
Niagara Falls, 1957
I love this photo.
Holding his "son," Sebastian.
1999
With Clemmie. October, 2009
4 comments:
I'm sure he's watching over you all with a smile. ((Hugs))
{{{hugs}}}
I feel like I could have written so much of this myself. My grandfather just died. 2 weeks & 1 day ago. It still hurts to think of him. Alone. In the cemetery. The visitation and funeral were so hard...I remember looking at strangers paying their respects and thinking that they were "lucky". It was a friend to them. Not their Grandpa. I realize how totally selfish that sounds, but at the same time it's all I could think :(
My heart breaks for you, honey. Your family. Your Mom. I will never understand death :(
xoxo
Soooo sad Krista. This post literally brought tears to my eyes. I remember when my grandmother was buried around this time last year, and I felt the same way. Upset with the way she looked in the casket, the feeling of not being able to fully let out my emotions, and feeling hurt for those close to her.
Such a touching post. My heart goes out to your family.
Thank you - really. It's a good thing to just let it all out - even when it's hard to write, or you don't know how to put into words what you're feeling.
The kind words are appreciated. xoxo
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