Musings of Mommy Dearest: Wind, Light, and Dust

Today was windy and dusty. So much so that swim practice for the boys was cancelled. Not like I heard any complaints there! As much as they enjoy swimming once they get there, GETTING THERE (i.e., dragging them away from playing outside with their friends) is torturous. But this IS Arizona, after all. Guess dust and wind is part of the protocol. And a little Godsend for kids who desperately wanted a break from swim practice.

So because we had more time on our hands than usual, we took a trip to Costco to pick up our favorite oatmeal, frozen chimis, and a few other staples. (Yes, chimichangas are a staple in my house, and no, I'm not proud of it.) Getting my kicks easily these days, it turned into a really good time. Both girls sat in the cart eating a dozen samples, and I learned that Vega is a fish girl (at one point double fisting fried fish sticks) and although Clemmie didn't like them all, she was adventurous enough and at least tried them all. The boys were happy to eat for free and luckily Sebastian was around to grab a bag of spinach from the walk-in refrigerator because I was not dressed to freeze. Before we left, we grabbed some ice cream sundaes and warm churros from the snack bar. We enjoyed our treats and the company (well, mostly - about 85% due to some hogging of the one Sprite we shared) .

As soon as we got out of the car, Ethan took Vega to play in the front yard. She immediately ran down the sidewalk - toward the street, of course. He chased after her and grabbed tight of her hand. I watched them for a minute, standing in my driveway with 2 big boxes of lentils in my arms, and just felt - happy. Like, here is life. Here is my reason for living. These two little people -- one happily taking care of the other.

This is life.

I darted inside, threw the boxes on the counter, and grabbed my camera only to see a big "E" on the display window. No card. Shit. I ran to my office, grabbed a memory card and went outside hoping they were still in the moment.

They were, and I did my best. The light was fresh and hazy. They are sweet pictures; ones I can look at months or years from now and smile and remember the way she toddled, fresh from learning to walk just a few months prior. I'll be able to remember how he held her hand and his patience with her - never bothered by her pace, only happy that he was able to guide her, finally given some "Vega" time of his own, free from Clementine's interruptions or Sebastian's well-meaning pleads to leave her alone. I realize it was the joy I that I loved about that moment. His joy at being with her, and hers at the freedom of a walk in the neighborhood. The pictures are sweet, endearing even. But it's never the same in pictures, is it? There's something missing....the sounds, the smells, the light, the LIFE. But at least I have something to bring the memory back to life.

Something to help me remember these simple moments of life and how thankful I am to be alive. Life has no guarantees of being easy, and this struggle I'm going through is enough to prove that over and over again without a doubt. Everyone has times of darkness and I know my struggle may seem insignificant to what so many others go through everyday, but no matter how big or small the struggle is, there IS light. Even if it's just a small flicker around every other corner, even if you have to squint to see it, it's there. I get glimpses of light all day long....Bobby giving me a hug even when I don't know I want it but I desperately need it, Clemmie walking up to me with a fresh-picked flower and saying, "this is for you!" My boys laughing and having fun with one another. It's not always easy to see it when you're in the deepest shadows. But it is there - you just have to find it - and when you do, grab it.

I do - and it fills me. I'll take what I can get. Dark or light, this is life. There are no promises of happiness around here, there's not even a promise for that next breath.

And the winds may change -- one day dusty and strong, the next still and clear. Both winds are beautiful in their own way. Life is still happening when the weather is bad - people still laugh, people still love. I guess maybe I'm trying to write something that will help me remember what is real and true and worth it, so when the weather is dark and stormy I can say "a-ha! There it is, remember? Yes, now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go on with your bad self!"

So - a weather analogy? Okay - slightly hokey and stretching a little, but I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being hokey, or whatever. This is life.

Sometimes hokey is just what you need. And maaaybe a big ol' box of frozen chimichangas. Yunno, for good measure.